To The Miscarried Child

Abstract

Child of mine;
This is the voice of the one that called you mine;
The one who journeyed the thousand mile;
And crossed death’s rigorous line.
Child whose smile I had wished to see;
This is the face of the one you chose not to see;
The face that had a future with you seen;
Who before a protruded belly, your value had seen.
Tell me child, tell me; Is it the wine before that so troubles me;
Or the late meal that sickens me?
Is it a deserved pain that I now feel;
Or is it just the result of fate’s seal.
I would wail with a weak voice;
I would name every suspected vice;
I would rethink my every choice;
But in the end, you would still be cold as ice.
My heart wreaks like a million Titanics;
My joy covered as was Atlantis;
The pain within has torn me to pieces;
And you are gone who would have been my peace.
How easy it would be to pretend;
To pretend the pain has come to an end;
How easy it would be to smile;
When all the heart does is sigh.
There’s no space for me out there;
Too much space for me in here;
Claustrophobic; Agoraphobic;
Feelings like fever forever fighting;
None leaving, so, I fear.
Dear child;
How do I a broken heart hide?
Insomnia and pain together dine;
The little sign on my head their wine.
My ma visits and counsels;
Quick wipe your eyes!
You must not let them see;
They must never see your eyes flood like the sea.
No one understands me like you do;
No one truly knows me like you do;
No one knows this pain nor can any take it from me.

For it was caused by you who was closest to me.
I have stood for long at this river observing my very form;
Thinking maybe you saw something out of the norm;
Perhaps a look at me sent you running;
Running back to that world where little voices keep calling.
I know I promised not to cry;
Look and you’ll see how to keep my word I try;
But the loss of you has caused tears that refuse to dry,
So, I hide my face from eyes that do naught but pry.
Hello child so fair,
Is it your dancing feet that I see in the air?
Mixing leaves with dust, dust with leaves;
Mixing tears with ache, ache with tears.
Let me sail the seven seas of the Netherland;
Let me fight the seven headed monster of the spirit land.
I would cross the rivers to come to you;
But would I find you who left in June.
Tears blind my vision as I cross the doorpost to your room;
I stare at the crib which remains oblivious of your doom.
The walls have turned gloomy that were once blue;
This gloom that hangs around and makes me naught but blue.
He who would have been your father smiles broadly;
Being an XY gender has never been carried so heavily;
He looks at me and says ‘Nne’ be strong;
I look at him and wish he didn’t need to act so strong.
They say ‘hang in there, you’ll get another’;
How do I tell them it’s you I want, not any other?
I am haunted by my forever dreams;
In them, I hold you close to my ribs;
I am haunted because now they ask for a face;
When I tell them I do not know yours, they think I feign.
The demons of my dream are not pacified;
I wait on fate and I’m not satisfied.
Maybe I’ll wake from this slumber;
And realize I had been asleep far longer;
Maybe I’ll remain in this slumber;
And move on to the world far yonder.
Have you seen the tears in my eyes;
They were born of long painful sighs;
Of wishes had and hopes dead;
Of life gotten and life dead;
This pain will last me a lifetime,
This ache will life me till deaths time.
Am I to accept your absence;
Does that even make sense?

Am I to smile and tell the world you’re gone;
Am I to smile and accept you’re gone!
Deep breaths; Deep breaths;
You’re not here and that’s fine;
You’re over there and that’s final.;
You’re not coming back; I accept;
I may yet smile again, I expect.
The affairs of this world are never fair;
This world is itself not fair.
As I close my window this night, I hope.
That there’ll be no end to this hope.
This light that burns within me;
That burns and tells me you loved me.
For however short our time together was.
For however long my tears for you was.
I unbutton the black dress.
The night is dark enough for this heart.
Out the window goes the mournful dress;
This pain goes along, out of my heart.
Bleeding souls have never known such peace;
As I feel within me tonight. Peace!
I shall no longer mourn,
No longer shall I mourn.
This night I let you go.
Go, go…
Voice cracks…
Tears are wiped from faces cracked…
Go be where there are no yokes.
This world was never deserving of you!
~~~Uchenna Nnaemeka is currently pursuing her master's degree at the Nnamdi Azikiwe University, Awka. She is from Anambra state, Nigeria. Email Id: [email protected]